I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
