If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
