he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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