I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
