While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
