Whod you bang
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
pray to the hookup gods
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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