I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
