I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
