wakey wakey hands off snakey
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize