Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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