Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He better not be in your backpack
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
