I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
