I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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