So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
