I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so let's talk penis.
the day after is always just damage control
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
