i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
