Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
