So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
