does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i drank out of a bidet.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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