my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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