Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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