Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
