You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
