okay pat passed out under dana's car
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize