Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
