Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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