so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
