You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
