i just sent this text using only my big toe
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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