Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
