Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
