I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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