my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
