I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
