At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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