I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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