sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
