she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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