I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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