What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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