even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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