he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
