On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
