Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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