Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
