Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
