idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
