I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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