If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
