don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
