i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
