I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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