Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
