the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
