Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
