Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
