So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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