So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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