For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
